Personal psychological chaos?

...why do people self destruct? why is change so impossible? how do you decide to be different? does the fact that i cant change make "fate" to blame? does that mean that fate is real? how could that be? how could that not be? i believe in fate. am i stuck in this cycle? is that why i cant make myself not do what i do? i think everyday about how much i suck. i have done this for years. years. years. everyday. i know better. i do it anyway. i make deals all the time with me but i keep screwing me over. why? i like me. why am i stuck? how do i unstick? am i lost here forever in this person i dont want to be? will i never be happy with myself no matter how i change? is this an endless battle? do other people think about these things? am i so self absorbed that i dont consider others thinking the same way as me? is this just apathetic ramblings or a real desire to discover the key of motivation? change? success? determination? is anyone really happy?